She claimed it was the hardest letter she ever wrote.She still didn't have a phone in her apartment. And Norway wasn't exactly close enough to drop by and tell me face-to-face. So our relationship would end as it began- in a letter.
Yes, she loved her new job and really didn't want to leave it. She was making friends and loved her new apartment in the bustle of the city. She was making good money while paying off her student loans. How could she give that all up for a job she knew nothing about across the ocean?
Jill was right. I also sensed her family encouraged her to stay there. I couldn't blame them. I would be concerned to see my daughter or sister move so far away. Most of all, and maybe the toughest fact to swallow, was that time and distance had faded her love for me. There was no one new, or so she claimed. She just couldn't go through with our plans. Plain and simple. No" let's take time and think about it."It was no.
If someone new was in the picture I don't think Jill would've told me. She knew how much that would hurt. Her letter was painful enough.
I had been great to her over the years (she writes). That "little voice" inside told her it wasn't right after spending so little time together. Our time was like a fairy tale. It wasn't real. To me it felt real.
She "needed time to find myself." All she could offer was friendship. She wanted to remain friends. I was her best friend ever, helping her to live and love again. However she understood if I said no and never wrote back. She knew I would feel guilty, angry, cheated and hurt. But as I read on, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt shock, the only emotion I could feel.
She closed by writing 'I'm so sorry." And that was that.
I was devastated. In time maybe i would understand, and I did. She was right. Instead of anger or bitterness I felt foolish. Never again.The whole thing was a joke. Who was I to think I could ever have a real relationship in my world? I was the joke.
I felt empty inside. I stared at the letter, my hands shaking. All the dreams and plans had stopped. Where do I go from here?
This was Jill saying goodbye, not just any girl . But it turned out that she was just any girl. . This girl was supposedly different and special. I shared so much with her- my life, my secrets, my feelings. She was my best friend too. How could I ever trust anyone again?
How could I ever listen to another Manilow song again without crying? Everything that happened last spring. 'When is the wedding?" "Let me know when the wedding is," It was never going to happen.
Why now, after seven year?/ The pressure of the visa, of leaving her new job, her family, her country, her life. What could I offer her to outweigh all of that?
Welcome to the real world. Brittle bones or not your heart can break just as easily as your bones can.
Our relationship was a whirlwind, so magical. Jill was the one who kept encouraging, " Don't worry! It will all work out..."
I believed her.
I wheeled into the kitchen where Mom was making dinner. She turned away form the stove and knew something was wrong. I still had the letter in my hand. "Jill," I said softly."Jill is gone. She is saying goodbye."
Like any caring, loving mother, she didn't lecture or say "See? I warned you." "You're kidding? Oh my God.." and came over to hug me. We were never really huggers or big on feelings, but she knew this time I needed a hug.
I couldn't eat, literally. I just didn't feel like it. I couldn't sleep and when I did I was always dreaming of Jill. One vivid, recurring nightmare had me travelling to Norway, like a knight in shining armor, frantically searching the streets of Oslo in vain, always waking up in a cold sweat, my heart racing.
It wasn't a dream. I really had lost her.
Get over it. Life goes on. You'll find someone else. It wasn't meant to be. I heard all the usual cliches. I did try to forget her. But she was everywhere. A Norwegian won the New York City Marathon. The Winter Olympics were being planned for Lillehammer, Norway. Miss Norway became Miss Universe. Norwegian language stickers were all over the house. The sweater she knitted fme hung in my closet.
Life wouldn't let me forget her.
I saw her everywhere:. Our favorite restaurant, the mall, the movies. .Vicki and Chris did the best they could to cheer me up. They knew that Jill was everything to me. She was all I talked about when we went out. They loved her too.
As time went by it didn't get any easier. My feelings changed from sadness to bitterness. How could she throw everything away? Did she just use me? Did she ever really love me?
It was stupid to feel that way. I know she loved me at one time. I had to let go. Why cry over her? I'm sure she wasn't sitting in her apartment, alone, crying like I was.
Plus she was right.
I wasn't exactly a popular guy on the dating scene, so most weekends I was home again, watching television, back to where I was before. It seemed like nothing had changed after all those years.
I called a few female friends from back in college. They weren't interested. They had moved on too. Until I close one door how could I open another?
No, I needed time to heal. I still cared about Jill. Every few nights I had the same dream of traveling to Norway, but this time I found her. Braving the ice and cold, the long distance flying to Oslo, waiting outside her apartment in my chair, freezing. waiting in the falling snow with fresh flowers in my hand. She would see me and run to me, hugging me warmly, her heart melting, and, just like old times, we would be together again, this time for good, just like in the movies.
The truth was that I couldn't accept the truth. i just couldn't face the fact that she had moved on. Maybe I should trash all her letters and gifts? But why? The memories would still remain.
Months passed without Jill in my life. I missed her. Yet I couldn't write to her.
If you are a Barry Manilow fan his music is perfect for a heartbreak. That's practically all of his damn music. Songs like "I Made It Through The Rain" made me cry, but that was good
In time I started to smile more , remembering the good times. I loved Jill for loving me. It wasn't easy but she overlooked my disability and saw me for who I really am. She gave me a chance. A broken heart is a tough price to pay, but her love was worth it in the end.
I thought of her every day, wondering if she was thinking of me too.
Then, in a total surprise, I got a card the following spring. No birthday or Christmas card. But an unexpected card.
A fellow fan had gotten Jill a copy of our 'Three Wishes" video. The memories remained. Always. She thanked me again.Maybe she missed me to?. She wasn't changing her mind. She was offering an olive branch.
My foolish pride kept me from answering. Maybe I needed time away. We would go years before connecting again. Much would happen until then. I kept busy, kept to myself, worked hard and never forgot Jill.
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